I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
