plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
