I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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