ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
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