Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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