i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
