before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i think i just lost a toe
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
