I want to walk on stilts...naked
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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