Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
