I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
