I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
