I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
