I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
