I accidentally had phone sex last night
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
