I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
