Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
