My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
