dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
