he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
