Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
