Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
