If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
