Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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