My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
