I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
