the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
True strength comes from lack of pants
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
