omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
