the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
