He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
