the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
