after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
MIDGETS
????
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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