We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
last night I used snow as a chaser
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