You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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