i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
