So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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