my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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