"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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