It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
