make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
