I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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