and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
