Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
