guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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