I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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