Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
