According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
