She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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