i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
