literally had 100 drinks last night.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize
