1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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